Training Team Course

Lesson Eleven: Discovering Your Path To Mastery of Conflict Resolution and Dealing with Unsolvable Dilemmas

·      Win/Win: Interest Based Problem

  Solving

·      Lose/Win

·      Win/Lose

·      Lose/Lose

·      Stalemate to

  Agree to Disagree

LESSON OBJECTIVE

 The desired outcome of this lesson is that you will be able to use these tools to help yourself and others with disagreements and conflicts that are hurting their quality of life and keeping them from loving their neighbor, family member, or enemy as God intended.

 Key concepts in this lesson are:

 ·        Nine strategic styles for managing differences between two people with a shared problem

·        Win/Win: Interest-Based Problem Solving

·        What to do if Win/Win does not work?

·        How to be a third party peacemaker

·        Useful model and process for dealing with unsolvable dilemmas - problems that have no final solution

·        Strategies for of coping with difficult people

 Questions you will be able to answer after studying this lesson are….

 1.     What are nine different ways to deal with conflict and when do you use which one?

2.     What are the steps used with the Win/Win Interest-Based Problem Solving Process?

3.     What are the steps of the D.E.S.C. conflict resolution process that can be used when Win/Win does not work?

4.     What is the simple L.C.S. process to use with minor differences?

5.     What is the role of a third party facilitator/peacemaker when helping others work through a disagreement or conflict?

6.     What are the steps to follow to help live with an unsolvable dilemma?

7.     How to cope with different types of difficult people

"BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS FOR THEY SHALL BE CALLED THE SONS/DAUGHTERS OF GOD."                                                                           (Matthew 5:9)

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT INTRODUCTION

"Cool off: You might have a heart attack.

          Tampa, Fla. (AP) -- People with heart disease more than double their risk of heart attack when they get angry, and the danger lasts for two hours, researchers reported Friday.  Other studies have shown that anger increases the heart rate, boosts high blood pressure and encourages the clogging of arteries.  But this is the first controlled study to find that anger can be an immediate trigger of a heart attack, said Dr. Murray Mittleman, the principal author. 

It is suggested that people spend about 30% of their time dealing with some kind of conflict, either as a participant or as a third party helping others resolve their differences.

 As you think back about the last three conflicts that you had, jot down on a piece of paper: what was the situation, what you did, and what the outcome was.  As you think about all three conflicts, what if any pattern do you see?  What happened in relation to power/influence?

 Lets continue with this lesson by looking at some known facts about conflict and look back at how you have grown up and learned to deal with conflicts in your life.

 Where did you learn to handle conflict? 

We started to learn this very early in our lives and have carried what we've learned as children into the workplace, church and other public and private places we visit.  One factor affecting our conflict management style is often based on our birth order.  We tend to deal with it differently depending on whether we are first children, middle children or the baby in the family.  Think about how this applies in your family. 

Self Assessment Exercise 1

(Write out your answer to these questions on a separate piece of paper)

·        What causes conflict for you? 

·        What do I do when another person and I both want the same thing, but

     disagree on how to do it?

·        Have I ever kept quiet in a meeting when things weren't going the way I wanted them to go?  What happened?  How did I feel?

·        What do I generally do in a conflict situation?

·        What am I likely to do when someone is doing something that is very irritating to me?

·        Have I ever given in to someone just to avoid disagreement, or perhaps because I didn't want the disagreement to spoil the relationship?  How did I feel afterwards?  Was I satisfied with the decision?

·        When I have disagreed with someone over what ought to be done, did we arrive at an agreement which satisfied us both?  What did I do in order to arrive at the agreement?

·        What happens in relation to power/influence?

How would you define conflict?

One common definition for "conflict" is a violation of yours or others expectations.

Conflict will occur whenever people care about what is happening to them, around them, or about them.  It is a natural outgrowth of this caring .  The point is that people care about things in different ways, and that leads them to conflict.  Many people hate conflict.  It is important for you to see it as a process, not an obstacle.  Is it: My Problem?  You Problem?  Our problem?  No Problem?  Nothing makes it positive or negative.  People determine the outcomes.  It's really our problem.  The person who perceives the gap/pain is most likely to initiate the confrontation to try to resolve it.  The person you are in conflict with will tend to model your behavior.  Move to closure but allow time for the process to work.  Avoid judgmental wording.  Keep it behavior oriented.  Realize you may have to use a different approach to get positive results.  You need to prepare, plan, set intentions of my goal for the confrontation.  Ask: "Is it worth it?  Will it help or hurt the relationship?  Keep it "now focused".  Avoid bring up all the past history.  The worst question you can ask the other party is "why?"  Make statements, don't ask questions.  Ask yourself: "How can we change the conflict situation to a positive?"   

One of the Duties of the New Christians Life: 

"But now put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and foul

  talk from your mouth."  Colossians  3:8

Phases of Conflict Management

·        Ventilation

·        Clarification

·        Empathy

·        Problem Solving/Negotiations 

What Happens When Conflicts Are Not Dealt With and Resolved Quickly? 

1.     People become frustrated with each other.

2.     They stop communicating with each other - especially stop listening to each other.

3.     Productivity decreases - focus all their energy on being angry.

Timing For Confrontation

·        Delayed feedback has limited value.

·        The earlier it is given after the conflict the better.

·        Some times a short cooling off period may be required based on the intensity of the conflict. 

Three Stages of Every Negotiation

I.                  Clarify the Objectives

-                     What the other side wants

-                     Pinpoint the objectives

-                     What the other is willing to exchange

          Be careful not to jump to a conclusion in this stage. 

II.               Gathering Information About the Other Party (Preparation Stage)

-                     Who they are

-                     What motivates them

-                     What are the individual needs (save face, etc.)

-                     Any information which will help you formulate a strategy

          This is a power tool. 

III.           Agreement Stage

-                     Compromises are made

-                     Mutually satisfying conclusions are reached 

          Rushing to stage three rarely leaves both parties satisfied. 

Negotiating is one of the world's oldest games, and if you want to play the game, you have to know the rules.  Our primary rule is to keep in mind it is a game.  If you want to enjoy negotiation, accept the need to keep a few of your cards secreted under the table until they are needed.  If you, as a buyer, start with your best possible price, you have nowhere to go when it comes time to make compromise.

Most Issues Causing Conflict Fall Into Three Major Catagories

Avoidance: Some people will do anything to avoid conflict.  They will agree just for the sake of harmony and even hold back their own good ideas. 

Combative:  This style is opposite the first style.  Combative people give their opinions, ideas, suggestions, very quickly, often without thinking about the consequences.  They are emotional and direct with their words so you always know where they stand, but they are so abrasive that people get offended by what they say and especially, how they say it.  Being combative comes across as mean and uncaring, when, in fact, it may come from very good intentions.

Collaborative:  They don't assume there has to be a winner and a loser.  Instead, they communicate with the people they are in conflict with and, eventually, come to a mutually agreed on solution that both parties can live with.

Self Assessment Exercise 2

  BEHAVIORAL MATRIX STYLE

ANALYSIS FORM

(Instructions:  Write the numbers 1-26 on a separate sheet of paper.  For

each number, decide where you fall on the scale based on how you think

others see you when you are in a conflict situation)

1.  Appears confident         1   2   3   4   Reserved

2.  Passive                           1   2   3   4   Aggressive

3.  Responsive                     1   2   3   4   Self-controlled

4.   Easy-going                    1   2   3   4   Dominant

5.   Takes charge                 1   2   3   4   Goes along

6.   Formal                           1   2   3   4   Informal

7.   Disciplines                     1   2   3   4   Spontaneous

8.   Communicates readily  1   2   3   4   Hesitant communicator

9.   Accepting                      1   2   3   4   Challenging

10. Appears organized        1   2   3   4   Appears disorganized

11. Initiates social contact  1   2   3   4   Lets others initiate

12. Asks questions              1   2   3   4   Makes statements

13. Overbearing                  1   2   3   4    Shy

14. Reserved                       1   2   3   4    Fun loving

15. Appears active              1   2   3   4    Appears thoughtful

16. Relaxed                         1   2   3   4    Assertive

17. Withholds feelings       1   2   3   4    Expresses feelings

18. Relationship oriented   1   2   3   4    Task oriented

19. Pushy                            1   2   3   4    Gentle

20. Discriminating              1   2   3   4    Impulsive

21. Extrovert                       1   2   3   4     Introvert

22. Warm                            1   2   3   4     Cool

23. Subtle                            1   2   3   4     Direct

24. Distant                           1   2   3   4     Close

25. States information         1   2   3   4     Saves information

26. Quiet                              1   2   3   4     Talkative

 (Instructions: Next, list the number that you selected for each of the 26

items based on how the numbers are listed below on a sheet of paper.  Total down the columns to get the sums.  Fill-in the sums to the formula on the right on a piece of paper and place your final answer as an "X" on the line in relation to your conflict style as dominate to easy going and formal to informal)

BEHAVIORAL MATRIX STYLE

CALCULATION

1.    ___     2.    ___        To locate yourself on the Dominant/Easy scale,

5.    ___     4.    ___        (Sum #1) + 35 - (Sum #2) = ____ divided by

8.    ___     9.    ___        16 = ___

11.  ___     12.  ___

13.  ___     16.  ___        Then, place as "X" on the following scale

15.  ___     23.  ___        according to the number above.

19.  ___     26.  ___

21.  ___     Sum #2 ___

25.     ___

Sum #1 ___                   Dominant                                  Easy Going

                                                      ___________________

                                                      1          2          3          4

6.   ___      3.    ___           To locate yourself on the Formal/Informal scale

7.   ___      10.  ___           (Sum #1) + 20 - (Sum #2) = ___ divided by

14. ___      18.  ___                  10= ___

17. ___      22.  ___

20. ___      Sum #2 ___

24. ___     

Sum #1 ___                       Then place an "X" on the following scale

                                            according to the number above.

                                         Formal                                      Informal

                                                      ___________________

                                                      1          2          3          4

(Instructions:  Draw the Behavioral Matrix below on a piece of paper.  Transfer the results of your previous two calculations to the horizontal and vertical lines by placing two "X's". Draw two lines to connect the "X's" to form a box in the quadrant indicating your style (see example below). 

(In example above, dotted line box connecting "X's" placed on horizontal and vertical lines indicate a promotional style when dealing with conflict with others)

(Instructions: Read the next section that describes each of these four

behavioral styles.  Start first by reading about your behavioral style. Than

read the other three styles to learn how they are different from your own.)

ANALYZING STYLE

          People with an analyzing style tend to take a problem-solving approach to situations, oriented more toward ideas and concepts than towards feelings.  They prefer study and analysis to immediate action and give off a thoughtful, perhaps even hesitant, impression.  They tend to be a steadying influence in a group setting with a restrained and unassuming way.  Deliberate and unaggressive, they usually wait for others to come to them rather than offering an opinion.  They typically want to collect a great many facts and opinions before making a decision.  The consulting role with other people seems to suit their serious and precise manner.  Others can perceive them at times as academic and taking themselves very seriously.

          In a job setting, people with an Analyzing Style of behavior will generally take an orderly, systematic approach.  As detailed and thorough people, they usually like things to be rational and well-organized.  They are likely to pause until the task is clear, then work at it with persistence, conscientiousness, and industriousness.  Well established rules and procedures will create an environment in which their methodical effort will be most effective.  They may become tense  when surrounded by confusion or ambiguity, and perhaps even become immobilized.  Because they are not likely to thrive on hard competition, they would more naturally move to an advisory role.  Their steady and quiet manner will probably cause others to look to them for advice.

          Relationships with other people will usually be marked by certain characteristics, probably seen as hesitant, not easily risking, or giving trust.  Though they tend not to initiate relationships, others will seek them out because they are good listeners, quiet, and non-threatening.  They tend to not seek personal recognition but instead use their ability as a problem solver to establish and build relationships.  They usually wait until they are very sure of their ground before offering an opinion.  Appearing unemotional, they can be tough and arbitrary when tensions are high.  But they would probably prefer to avoid interpersonal confrontation and conflict.

          People with the Analyzing Style tend to lack the ability to be casual in interpersonal situations, and therefore, may sometimes be perceived as aloof or even stuffy.  They can procrastinate and get too involved with analysis, still seeking more data when it may be time for action.  They may some times need to look more at the forest and less at the trees, by establishing overall priorities and not get distracted by details.  They could probably be more effective if they learned to be less critical, loosen up, and enjoy situations more. 

PROMOTIONAL STYLE

People with a Promotional Style tend to get involved with others in active, rapidly-moving situations.  They generally like exciting activities of an inspirational nature.  Not given to detailed analysis, they can make easy generalizations without sufficient pause to gather information.  They are usually stimulating people to be with, lively, and personable.  Socially outgoing and friendly, they tend to be fun loving and informal people who enjoy being with people.  Others experience them as acting impulsively.  Because of a somewhat dramatic nature, they may "think out loud" with others in a convincing way.  Their vigor and excitement can come across to others as egotism. 

          In a job setting, people with a Promotional Style of behavior will generally be eager to please others, especially to those who respond to their outgoing ways.  They attach themselves to people they admire and desire recognition from them.  They tend to be imaginative and respond to incentives, wanting to be measured by their personal contribution.  They tend to get personally involved with others and sometimes will settle for less than the best in order to get on to something else because they frequently like to move rapidly from task to task.  Although they may not always like it, they work best in a setting which provides some structure where they can be helped in the planning and follow-through which is unnatural to them.

          Relationships with other  people will usually be marked by certain characteristics.  They may be seen as trying to sell themselves to others, to persuade them to their point of view.  Even though they are viewed as socially outgoing and forceful, they may be perceived by others as manipulative and even using people.  They are aware of and concerned  with the feelings of others rather than only their ideas, and they try to include others in their plans and activities.  They tend to be open with feelings and try to be helpful in interpersonal situations.  They may try to achieve status and prestige by attaching themselves to people whom they believe have those qualities. 

          People with Promotional Style usually lack concern for details and may move too rapidly forward before completing a task.  They may jump to conclusions too rapidly.  A more organized approach could make their enthusiasm more effective for often they may appear careless in their approach.  Changeable decisions will have a disrupting effect on those around them.  They can be highly competitive, to the point where if they are thwarted in their efforts, they can chew out other people rather dramatically.  They need to learn to work with and through others.

SUPPORTIVE STYLE

CONTROLLING STYLE

          In a job setting, people with a Controlling Style of behavior will generally respond to a fast moving challenge and will tend to get bored if they find the pace to be too slow.  They are task-oriented and may sometimes offend others with eagerness to get the job done.  They want to know what's going on around them, to be "in the know," and to help direct the course of the work group.  Not having the situation under control raises their tensions.  They tend to set objectives and then work toward them without delay.  Because they direct their energy toward task results, others will tend to accept their authority and leadership.

          Relationships with other people will usually be marked by certain characteristics.  They will be looked to by other people for results, but probably not for encouragement, inspiration, or support.  They can be demanding at times and may work to meet their own objectives without realizing that their behavior might be irritating to others.  They will be seen as competent and determined but at times they might push too hard and be critical of others for not responding.  They are likely to want to get the job done first before taking time to work on interpersonal relationships.

          People with a Controlling Style tend to lack patience and may not find it rewarding to work with the same problems over a long period of time.  They may need to strengthen their ability to listen to others and recognize the importance of feelings and attitudes as well as logic.  The need for personal success may limit their ability to cooperate with others to accomplish organizational objectives.  They will be more effective with others if they are aware of how overwhelming they sometimes are.

          After reading over the four style sheets, does the one that matches your style describe you well?  Can you see how we are set up to have conflicts with others that have different styles from are own?

Self Assessment Exercise 3

What can get you into conflicts?  We are often driven by our "hooks".  Hooks are things which influence us when we are unaware that they are operating. Complete the following "Hook Inventory" to further help you understand yourself in relation to conflict.

 HOOK INVENTORY

(On a separate piece of paper, list the numbers 1 - 25.  Than honestly list from the five choices: almost always, often, sometimes, seldom, almost never - which best matches you).

I've got to:

                                                Almost Always    Often      Sometimes     Seldom     Almost Never    

1.     be right

2.     be a success

3.     finish it

4.     be informed

5.     prove myself

6.     be on time

7.     have the answers

8.     go through channels

9.     be perfect

10. win

11. be in control

12. be liked

13. produce

14. be consistent

15. conform

16. impress others

17. do it by myself

18. be responsible for others

19. be logical/rational

20. be prepared for anything

21. trust, obey authority

22. earn the right to play

23. be able to take it

24. be worthy

25. be important

What did you discover are some of your hooks you need to watch out for from the list that might get you into conflict?  Were any a surprise to you?

Some hooks are desirable, some not - they get you into trouble with other people.  You have to learn to let go of some.

Always avoiding conflict will hurt you in the long run.  It is easier to

resolve topic issues than personal or relationship ones.  Caution: people can camouflage relationship issues as topical ones. A significant barrier to a group learning and growing together is the existence of topics that members feel are important to discuss, yet are often times sensitive issues that might offend someone or violate some unspoken taboo.  When people are willing to talk about those issues or topics, they often times turn out to be critical factors in solving the current problems held by the group and help in developing the group's ability to mature.  Remember what seems important or critical to one person may not be perceived the same by another person. 

The following model shows nine styles that are ways to deal with conflict constructively.  Depending on the situation, any one of them might be the>appropriate approach to use.  After explaining what the nine styles are, thenext section will describe recommendations when each might be used. 

APPLICATION OF THE NINE STYLES

Style 1.       Maintenance

A unilateral decision to maintain the status quo by avoiding or deferring action on differing views.  Such non-engagement is usually constructive only as an interim strategy. 

Application:  When you need time to collect information, enlist support, augment resources, or deal with higher priority issues.  Also, gains time to build rapport, let emotions cool, or allow recent changes to stabilize.

Style 2.       Smoothing

Selling your views by accentuating benefits and glossing over, omitting or playing down alternative possibilities. 

Application: When you are clear about your viewpoint, but lack authority to require compliance, or don't have time or energy for a full-scale discussion.  Also useful when you want to withhold complete information because you feel it would be hurtful to others, or because they lack the maturity to handle it. 

Style 3.       Domination

The unilateral use of power and influence to gain compliance with your views. 

Application: When speed or confidentiality are important; when you believe that others involved have little to offer that would change your mind; or when the issue is too trivial to waste time discussing.

Style 4.       Decision Rule

The joint agreement to use an objective rule or external criterion (such as a coin flip, lottery, seniority system, voting procedure, test score, or arbitration)as the basis for deciding among competing views.

Application:  When being fair and impartial is more important than the specific outcome of a disagreement; or when any of the proposed alternatives is better than a stalemate.

Style 5.     Coexistence

The joint determination to follow separate paths without animosity.  Use as an interim strategy when it's expensive or confusing to operate two different systems in parallel to accomplish the same purpose.

Application: When both parties believe they are right, more compelling evidence is needed to persuade one to change views, and a wrong decision could be irreversible or costly.

Style 6.       Bargaining

Jointly seeking to exchange something one party wants for something the other party wants through offers and counter-offers.

Application: Use when each party can gain more from an exchange agreement than the best alternative available if no agreement is reached.

Style 7.       Non-Resistance

Even though you disagree with the other person's views, you unilaterally decide to offer no resistance, and to support diligent implementation of required action.

Application: Use when you believe the other person has greater expertise than you; or when the issue is minor to you but important to the other person and you want to be seen as a team player.

Style 8.       Supportive Release

Even though you disagree with the other person's views, you unilaterally decide to support and encourage that person's initiative within stipulated limits or conditions.

Application: Use when the other person is capable but lacks confidence, and you want to foster initiative and commitment.

Style 9.       Collaboration

 A joint exploration by participants aimed at developing a synthesis of all informed, relevant views.  The integration of views is realized through frank discussion of interests, probing of assumptions, and by empathetic listening.

Application: Use when the issues are too pivotal to be compromised; participants are trustworthy, capable, communicate skillfully and have adequate time for discussion.  Use also when participants want to develop a closer relationship, or when commitment of all parties to the selected course of action is important for a successful outcome.

From Managing Conflict Constructively by Herbert S. Kinder, 1988, pp. 33-38.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLES

Below is another model representing similar conflict styles to the previous model using some different terms by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilman who have a Conflict Mode Instrument you might want to acquire and fill out.  It tells you which of these is your dominant conflict style and which is your preferred back-up style if your dominant one isn't working when in conflict.

STRATEGIES FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION COMMUNICATION

Sending Strategies:

1.     Put your tendency to judge on hold, describe instead of making accusations.

2.     Deal with here and now behavior rather than bringing in historical garbage.

3.     Pay attention to all of the signals, such as eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, voice, etc.

4.     Use "I" messages in order to communicate behavior, feelings, and effect.

5.     Apply strategic openness rather than let it all hang out.

6.     Choose your words carefully.  Certain words will guarantee escalation, such as don't, should, ought, always, ever, and must.

7.     Give permission for others to withhold information.

Receiving Strategies:

1.     Restate and paraphrase for understanding.

2.     Use reflection or active listening strategies.

3.     Avoid using or responding to "why" questions.  Use "how" and "what" questions.

4.     Do not be afraid to say "You may be right."

5.     Beware of questions.  Even though they may sometimes assist conflict management, more often they tend to aggravate the situation.

a.                  "I gotcha" type

b.                 Make you look foolish

c.                 Imperative question (command)

d.                 Screened or avoidance question

e.                  Rhetorical question attempting to obtain agreement

(To keep from getting trapped by these pseudo-questions, ask the sender to change the question into a statement.)

6.     Utilize the power of silence and delayed response.

7.     Avoid interpreting motives.

8.     Do not give advise.

Four-Step Checklist for Conflict Communication:

When I am in a confrontation with another person, how well do I…

1.     Encourage?                Do I demonstrate interest and attentiveness by  using encouraging non-verbal behavior?

2.  Stay quiet?                    Do I allow enough silence by listening more than talking?

3.  Hold back criticism?      Do I hold back my natural impulse to criticize? 

4.  Listen actively?               Do I pick up all the clues and pay attention to the emotions?

From Managing Conflict from the Inside Out by Marc Robert, 1982

TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING POWER & COOPERATION

Collaborative and compromising styles of conflict management involve demonstrating BOTH strength and reasonableness (i.e., assertiveness).

If you are not powerful, the other party will not need to negotiate with you.  They will simply exert their power and force a win.

If you aren't cooperative and respectful, you can make the other party defensive and encourage them to run or attack, rather than negotiate.

Here are ten suggestions for striking the right balance:

1.                 Say what you really want to say -- about the problem.

2.                 Be concise and to the point.

3.                 Be firm and persistent.

4.                 Use "I" statements.

5.                 Describe or report your emotions -- don't stuff, don't vent.

6.                 Watch your voice tone, volume, pitch, rate, and inflection.

7.                 Maintain good eye contact.

8.                 Relax.

9.                 Avoid nervous laughter, jokes, and gestures.

10.             Avoid whining, pleading, screaming, and being sarcastic.

WHO MANAGES CONFLICT CONSTRUCTIVELY?

The one who characteristically….

·        uses descriptive rather than prescriptive language

·        presses for clarification

·        paraphrases and confirms understanding

·        asks for illustrations

·        directs and redirects analysis

·        supports the other person

·        tests perceptions and intentions

·        asks others what they are hearing

·        listens attentively and responsively

·        offers relevant information

·        reports own feelings

·        suggests alternatives

·        accepts other's feelings

·        avoids changing the subject

·        does not try to explain the other's behavior

·        soft-pedals expectations that bind the other

·        is easy on giving "advice"

·        can identify and pick up the winnings

PLANNING  EFFECTIVE CONFRONTATION

What's the Best Approach When You Decide You Need to Have the Confrontation in Order to Improve Your Relationship with Another or Others Using a Collaborative Process?

"Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger."

                                                                                    Ephesians 4:26

The following five step process will provide you with tools to plan for and hold a productive confrontation.  It is called the DESC process.

Describe     What the situation is:  What is going on that shouldn't be; What is not happening that should be.  Be very specific in behavioral terms (what someone could see or hear -- non judgmental).  Avoid words such as communication, commitment, attitude, morale, untrustworthy, unfriendly, uncooperative, etc.  Stick with the now, not past history.

LISTEN 

Explain       How the situation affects you; how it makes you feel.

LISTEN

Specify       What must happen for you to be satisfied; what the changed situation will look like.  Be very specific and use behavioral terms.  Ask: "What ideas do you have to resolve this issue?"  Don't get mad.  Don't get even.  Get what you want.

LISTEN

Contract     Negotiation between two parties, leading to agreements to make a particular change(s).  Move to closure when get agreement.

LISTEN

Consequences      What will happen if the changes are/are not made (positive if happen/negative if does not happen, internal/external).

LISTEN

Note: It is recommended that you use the consequence step only when the same conflict situation has surfaced one to two other times.  Be careful about selecting consequences that you can not enforce.

Adapted from Asserting Yourself by Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon H. Bower, 1976.

The next section provides to you two worksheet which you can print out to help you prepare for a collaborative confrontation using the DESC process.

CONFRONTATION WORKSHEET 1

(Use to prepare for a conflict resolution meeting)

1.     What is the situation? (nature of the difference; factors underlying the difference; stage has it reached)

2.     What is the nature of the differences? (facts: do both parties have different definitions of data, different pieces of relevant information, or different impressions of power and authority?; goals: is it a difference in what each wants to accomplish?; methods: is it differences in procedures, strategies, or tactics?; values: is it a question of fairness, morality, justice, or ethics?)

3.     What factors contribute to or underlie this difference - ask why? (Do they have access to the same information?  Information factors?  Do they perceive common information differently?  Perceptual factors?  Are they influenced by their role?  Role factors?)

4.     What were the triggering events? 

5.     What stage has it reached?  (1 - the phase of anticipation--looking ahead, rumors; 2 - the phase of consciousness but unexpressed; 3 - the phase of discussion--questions raised, opinions shared, information exchanged; 4 - the phase of open dispute--present cases, issues sharpened, expressed openly; 5 - the phase of open conflict--choosing up sides)

6.     What Is your intentions or goal for the confrontation?  Is it worth doing? Will it hurt the relationship?     What's your BANTA (Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement)?  Will you agree to disagree if you can not achieve your BANTA?

CONFRONTATION WORKSHEET 2

Describe (The conflict situation)

Explain (How situation affects you; makes you feel)

Specify (Behavioral changes needed - establish implementation or action to resolve the issues or problems.  Plan, Do, Check, Act - If issues not still resolved at a later date, repeat this process)

Consequences (Positive if changes agreed to are made and negatives ones if changes not made - realistic and enforceable ones)

Note:  Use this form as a "road map" for your confrontation meeting

GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE CONFRONTATION

DO'S                                                 DON'TS

Be specific and descriptive                                Be too general, abstract, or use loaded

                                                                        judgmental terms without descriptive data

Own your perceptions, opinions,                       Overuse "we" or "you" statements to

evaluations, etc.  Use "I" statements                   avoid taking responsibility for your views 

Stay, in the face of resistance, being                  Fold, in the face of resistance or pretend

aware of your own resistance as well                 it doesn't exist

as the other person's

Check your perception with the other                Make assumptions without checking and